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Lessons on teeth

(or how not to end up like me)

(Oct. 2006)

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a tooth that hurt whenever I bit down. I thought maybe I had a cavity but it turns out my upper teeth are super sharp, like shark teeth, and they are wearing down my lower teeth. They wore off the enamel and the 2nd layer, the dentin, was exposed. The dentist said that the recommended course of action was to make the lower filling thicker and to smooth the jagged edges of the top molars.

"Smoothing," she said, "can be done without anesthesia."

LESSON 1: Whenever someone enters your mouth with a drill, you must not be able to feel anything on that side of your face.

She started working, but stopped when my hand flew up at the pain. "We'll use a little anesthetic to dull the sensation," she said. (Note: dental pain should not be "dulled." It needs to be "slain.")

She started back up but another jolt of pain shot into my jaw and down my spine, making me involuntarily rip the dentist's hands out of my mouth. "Hmmm," she said, "maybe we need some more anesthetic."

LESSON 2: If you can move your tongue, you're not numb enough. Your face has to be, as Bill Cosby said, sliding off your skull.

She stopped to inject some more and waited for it to "take."

I sat there reading an article about a pig who (I am not kidding) rescued a boy from a pit bull attack but had to be given two beers so the vet could treat it for its wounds. I hate beer but would have happily welcomed a couple just then myself.

After I finished 2 magazines, the anesthetic had finally taken effect. The dentist started working on the bottom teeth again. My heart was racing, anticipating more injury but I was relieved to discover that I felt nothing. Whew. Painless dentistry is awesome. I would let my teeth fall out of my head before I ever subjected myself to drilling without anesthetic again.

THEN came the necessary work for the top part of my mouth -- the "smoothing" of the jagged top teeth. (Important note: they were working in two different places but only anesthetized one. I do not recommend this.)

I ripped the dentist's hands out of my mouth again and regrouped for another round. She promised to be "conservative" but after another small incident where I (accidently) bit her, she said she would not touch the top anymore. I didn't believe it. I started paranoically watching the drill like a hawk to see which way it was pointed and if it entered my mouth pointing up I was going to bite again.

LESSON 3: If they have NOT numbed the area, I don't care if they only intend to "gently smooth" your teeth. Teeth are as hard as diamonds and filing involves a drill. See lesson 1.

The dentist turned her attention back to the bottom since that, at least, was already numb. By now I noticed with detached curiosity the onset of a panic attack. I tried every relaxation trick I could think but my body screamed, "F*@k the Dalai Lama! Get me outta here!!" (To the body, physical pain = danger and it cannot be convinced otherwise.) All I could think of is how in 20 years I am going to have no teeth on that side of my face if I even live that long.

It was hours before I was finally able to leave, but it wasn't until midnight that the anesthetic wore off and I could speak like I wasn't brain-damaged. They'd pumped so much of the stuff in my jaw that I was probably overdosed. I was warned that the nerves might be a little "irritated" after all the work so I should be "gentle" on my teeth for about a week.

So in the interest of turning a traumatic experience into something useful, I am including ways you can protect your teeth and hopefully avoid any dental work that's not routine.

Aside from demanding full and complete anesthetic if you know a drill is going to enter your mouth, there are other things you can do to keep your teeth in top shape:

LESSON 4: Get (and maintain!) sealants. They minimize wear and tear and even cavities. Get them even if insurance doesn't cover it -- they're not that expensive and will make your teeth last longer.

LESSON 5: Use a flouride rinse. Flouride rinses are the only thing that actually help your teeth remineralize and can actually repair small cavities. Don't eat for 30 minutes after gargling.

LESSON 6: Floss. Every day. A woven floss is better than waxed or teflon floss; my dentist says it's the difference between cleaning your kitchen counter with saran wrap vs. a sponge -- the woven stuff is more pliable and cleans more completely.

LESSON 7: Stop chewing on ice! Shine a flashlight on your teeth, see all the cracks? Use your teeth like tools and you'll see evidence of years of harsh treatment in tiny hairline fractures. We all get them, but try to avoid biting tags off clothing, chewing on pens and pencils, nailbiting, tooth grinding, etc.

LESSON 8 (added 1 year later): Get an electric toothbrush. It's not just hype. After this incident, I went a YEAR without setting foot in the dentist's office because I was too traumatized to even think of getting back in that chair. When I finally made myself go, I thought my teeth would be in terrible shape but they weren't. I was told they looked like I'd just had a cleaning. When the dentist can praise the cleanliness of your teeth, you know you scored.

It does make a difference if you buy the professional electric toothbrushes vs. the cheap ones in the store that are under $20. You don't necessarily need the most recent or fancy ones, but a good electric toothbrush will likely cost $60-$80.

I hope this helps your teeth live long and active lives, and may you never need your teeth "smoothed" -- vive les dentes!